The Garab Chronicles

Bea Arthur Died Today -

She was 86, and she was the very embodiment of fierce (yes, I brought that word back, just for her).

Remember her, kids. She was one of the very best.

My Own Little Torture Memo

I'm about to have a field day with this torture bullshit, but I think that rather than vomit all over creation with an expletive laden manifesto right now, I'll hold off til I'm breathing normally.

For the time being, suffice it to say that since they keep insisting that it works so well for extracting valuable information that you couldn't get any other way, I'd like to see Dick Cheney, Karl Rove, and "Dr." Condi Rice lined up in stress positions and water-boarded til they give up the location of Santa Clause and the Easter Bunny. And then I'd like them all to go to jail, which is where they belong in the first place.

Jesus Christ, I thought Abu Ghraib was bad. But this...

Ugh

Sarcasm escapes me for once. This is just sad.

If I Were Straight and You Weren't Gay...

I'd marry you, Rachel Maddows.



Put the pitchforks down, girls, there are two really big "ifs" in the title of this little post, and neither one of them is gonna be happening in this lifetime.

It's Monday, Do You Know Where Your Musical Theatre Is?

I couldn't help myself. I heard Julie Andrews' voice and that was it.

I'm Confused...

Rick Warren went on CNN's Larry King Live recently and said this:

But right before the 2008 election, he sent out a video to the 22,000 members of his church saying this:

While I'm all for any and everything that "stuns and bewilder(s)" Evangelical leaders, as described in today's Washington Times article, and I'm more than willing to accept that the man may very well have had a genuine change of heart after realizing just how much damage Proposition 8 actually does to his fellow human beings, I'm a little bewildered myself at Mr. Warren's emphatic statement that he never lobbied for passage of the hated California ballot initiative and he's never been anti-gay marriage.

I Call Bullshit (Part 2)

But wait, there's more! (at least there was. Bastards went and took it down - 04/11/2009).

Audition Tapes!!! If you can stomach all 7 minutes (I had to skip ahead cause I kept throwing up in my own mouth), watch the guy at the very end for today's moment of irony.  Ah, bless you,  Smoking Cocktail.

I Call Bullshit

The National Organization For Marriage (NOM) is launching a new television campaign, featuring otherwise unemployable actors who take turns standing in front of a rainy day backdrop and reading bad copy. Normally, I wouldn't give a good flying fuck, but in this particular case, I'm offended that these nimrods will be accosting the airwaves up to 8 times a day in California with such horrid advertising.

What's worse is that this, um, public service announcement, is going to be airing across the country, threatening to sour otherwise pleasant viewings of your favorite shows in a strapped marketplace where ad space will cost this self-described "rainbow coalition" a lot less than it should. I recommend setting your TiVo to warp speed during commercials over the next few weeks, or just switching to Hulu where you may be safe from the sensory torture brought to you by the nice people at NOM.

I'd comment on the bad writing, but considering that the sentient being behind this campaign probably couldn't find a scribe worth his salt to pen this thing and had to scrawl it by hand himself, I'm gonna be be really generous and give it a 2. And then I'm going to gag myself with a spoon to stop from screaming.

Vermont, Vermont, I Love You Vermont (it sounds better if you sing it - out loud)

Four down, a whole bunch more to go.

The Vermont Legislature today gave Governor Jim Douglas a well-deserved middle finger by overriding his fresh veto of the bill they passed legalizing gay marriage in the Green Mountain State.

Apparently caught off-guard by the vote, the Governor back-peddled, stating that too much time and attention had been spent on this issue while the focus should have been on jobs and the economy, thus reminding silly homos everywhere that we're not only immune to job losses and mass economic meltdown, but we're always so damn pre-occupied with our basic civil rights.

Vermont now joins Iowa*, Connecticut, and Massachusetts in recognizing that gay people are in fact human beings deserving the same rights and protections under the law as men who mate with women and vice versa. Radical Activist Judges, International had no comment, since their radical activist shenanigans didn't have anything to do with Vermont's moment of sanity and are, for once, off the Limbaugh lambast hook.

*

Meanwhile, since wedding destinations are distributed neatly according to regional availability,religious fundamentalists in Iowa are breathing a sigh of relief that a full 8% of the gay weddings that would have otherwise flooded their municipal system as of April 24th will now shift to one of the 3 other states that each now shoulder 25% of the groomzilla juggernaught. Some within the social conservative movement have gone so far as to lobby the California Supreme Court to hurry up and overturn Proposition 8 so that the Midwest can be overlooked entirely as a gay wedding destination and everyone can pretend the ban there was never overturned in the first place, chanting "Do Over" at local rallies that have attracted 2 cows, a duck, and a bus full of Guatemalan tourists.**

**I just made that up. To get the less breathless and sarcastic version of this story, go HERE (don't be scared, it's just MSNBC).

p.s. Iowa and Vermont have just jumped to the top of the Garab Chronicles' list of places to visit and give tourism dollars to.

Thank You, Iowa!

Supreme news! I can now get married in Iowa, Massachusetts, Connecticut, soon in Vermont (despite the Governor's promised veto there), and maybe New Hampshire. If I'd hurried and hustled up a husband a few months ago, I may have even been able to marry in sunny, weirdly-conservative-despite-the-fact-that-"The Hills"-is-filmed-here-California.

The Iowa Supreme Court today ruled unanimously that banning gay marriage in that state was unconstitutional. In presenting their case for the sanctity of traditional marriage between one man and one woman, attorneys for the ban argued that denying gay couples state sanctioned matrimony meant that they could be denied the legal benefits thus far granted to their straight counterparts, thereby saving the state a whole lot of money. 

Told flatly by the Supreme Court that marriage is a civil institution Constitutionally divorced from the necessity of religious sanction - and that denying their fellow citizens the very rights they hold in such high, inalienable esteem is, you know, wrong - several religious organizations in Iowa have declared this a day of mourning, and vowed to overturn this ruling by "activist judges" via referendum, Prop 8 style.

Rep. Steve King has declared a state of emergency, urging his fellow lawmakers to slap an amendment on the state Constitution defining marriage as an institution between a pair of breeders with ball-in-socket genitalia lest the Midwest become a "Mecca" for gay weddings. While Google offers no results as to the brain trust Mr. King hails from, I would point out that a) Mecca is well east of anywhere he's ever traveled (and bigots demand literal scrutiny since it so easily confuses them), and b) Iowa's too fucking cold for most wedding planners, so Steve King's narrow world is safe from a mass invasion of style and good taste anytime in the near future...though I may go get hitched there just to piss him off.

In the meantime, while contemplating the fact that the Midwest is now officially more progressive than fucking California, I'm planning on throwing a party with go-go dancers and bright pink balloons emblazoned with the Iowa state seal.

Oh, and just for shits and giggles: