Subtlety is not my strong suit. It’s not even my “I’m working on it, I promise it’ll get better one day” suit. As a matter of fact, if there was a “yes, I’m staring at you, and it’s not because I’m interested in your brain” suit, I’d buy it. And then I’d string Christmas lights through the sleeves, attach a bullhorn, and hook the thing up to Twitter. I can’t help myself. I know I should, but I just don’t want to. When I’m much older, I’m told it’ll be creepy, but that won’t be til much later and I’m not into event planning.
I am a gawker. I stare ‘cause you’re pretty, not because you’re intelligent, accomplished, interesting, rich, or a celebrity – as a matter of fact, if you’re a celebrity on purpose, I probably moved on before you finished reading this sentence. And yes, if you’re single, available, sane, and willing, I probably wanna do it. It’s harmless, but only cause I’m not into pain. If your name is Jake Shears, I’ll do whatever you want.
Sometimes I realize that my thought patterns resemble an Adam 4 Adam profile, which is enough to give me pause, but only long enough to stare down somebody else, usually 20-something and corn-fed with a grey hoodie and doe eyes. This year, I learned how to say “carne fresca” en Espanol, and it holds as one of the highlights of an otherwise droll 2010. I’m a pig but I don’t eat swine, and this despite the countless proclamations of countless otherwise vegetarian friends that bacon is the closest any of them has ever been to touching god.
My mother occasionally reads the things I write, and I only know it when I get a phone call…or not, if she’s come across something truly mortifying. I probably won’t hear from her for a couple of weeks.
I’m like blue chips. I’m reliable in my filth, and I always provide a return on investment. Sometimes my stock splits, but only once because three ways can be classy even if they often aren’t. I spell things out too much. I’d call it milking, but that would make me easy. And cheap. And the reality is I’m neither unless you’re into arguing semantics, in which case you’d need a flow chart and a Power Point presentation to prove me wrong. And I can always counter that your data is incomplete, so I’ll always win.
Comments