It's been an amazing year, full of challenges that have restored my faith in, if nothing else, the knowledge that whatever's out there, and whatever you want to call it, it has a wicked sense of humor and a profound sense of irony.
At every turn, I have been reminded that all the horrors we've collectively witnessed over the last twelve months are tempered with little glimpses of pure beauty, and moments of jaw-dropping inspiration that this little Garab is eternally grateful for.
Exhibits A:
And B:
And most of all, I m grateful to all of you for reading.
Anderson Cooper interviewed a man who'd managed to escape Iran after being jailed and tortured for 9 (yep, NINE!) years. His crime against Islam, according to the judge who sentenced him to death, was appearing on the cover of a magazine holding the blood-stained shirt of his friend after police shot him for protesting in the street.
This interview aired months ago, long before the current crisis that has engulfed the country. This time around, the government has arrested hundreds of protesters, and at yesterday's Friday prayers, hard-line clerics gave sermons calling for the merciless punishment and execution of many of those in custody for offending and attacking Islam. No word yet on exactly how one attacks a religion by protesting a fraudulent election, but I'm sure it's being scribbled into the fine print by some morally bankrupt Ayatollah as I write this.
Information out of Iran has slowed to a trickle, and all indications are that the Khamenei government's violent crackdown on all forms of dissent has had its immediate desired effect. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who had maintained a low profile while last week's events played out on the streets he presumably governs, has even begun taking to the airwaves, calling once again for the destruction of Americans, Israelis, Leftists, and even Michael Bay, for destroying the Transformers franchise he so loved as a sexually repressed child (Michael Bay was not available for comment, though a representative has been quoted saying that Mr. Bay swung his abnormally large penis in the direction of an Ahmadinejad campaign poster and told the offending image to "suck it").*
On the other hand, while it's easy to watch the current situation with despair, there is hope in - and I reveal extreme geekdom by saying this - in knowing that the Empire had to strike back, before the Jedi could return.
"Wow, a trailer for the new Transformers movie. I thought the fan boys strung Michael Bay up by the balls and sodomized him with an Optimus Prime action figure after the last one."
"I sure do hope this movie isn't going to be very long, cause I have to pee again soon."
"Holy shit, another ghost movie that looks alot likeHeart and Souls. Do you think they'll make Michael Douglas stand up in a loin cloth in his next movie and tell everyone that he's Spartacus?"
"How the hell can a bar manager afford this apartment?"
"Remind me never to move to Baltimore to score a husband."
"This yoga studio is HUGE...and it comes with a swimming pool for public acts of adultery and skinny dipping with Bradley Cooper. Sweet."
"None of these people have iPhones. Apparently At&t's coverage sucks ass here too."
"Why aren't these two women in the rest of the movie?"
"Drew Barrymore really should have stopped afterBoys On The Side."
"Great Bathroom."
"Ben Affleck really SHOULD - Should - should - S.H.O.U.L.D. - SHOULD - marry Jennifer Aniston's character."
"I wonder if I can still get a copy of the first season of Alias on Amazon."
"Man I have to pee."
"Who ever has the time to put fresh dill in the dip at a Wii party?"
"I wonder how that stimulus package is affecting my stock portfolio."
"I think Cisco Systems is a pretty smart buy today...which fucking pocket did I stow my Ameritrade password in this time?"
"I'm hungry. A Justin Long/ Ben Affleck sandwich sounds nice. Ooh, and Bradley Cooper pudding for dessert. Mmmm, Bradley Cooper...if he's related to Anderson Cooper, I can pretend they're twins and never leave my bedroom."
"Those are not real tits."
"I think that's the director's girlfriend."
"Fuck, I put that Ameritrade password in the dark jeans, and those got tossed after the one night stand with the water sports. Stupid water sports."
"Thinking about water sports really makes me want to pee."
"Oh cool, it's about to end."
"Wait, why is Scarlett Johansson wearing that wig?"
"Somebody thought this was a good idea."
"Anderson Cooper would never cheat on me if he were into me."
"It's still going."
"I'm Spartacus!"
"It's ending now. That was the last scene."
"Still going."
"This is never going to end."
"Dude, no, not the lucky pants! What if you put your Ameritrade password in one of the utility pockets?"
"Myspace blows, I'm canceling my account tomorrow...oh wait, I did that 18 months ago. Whew."
"Wait a second. I canceled my Myspace account and I'm still single. This is bullshit!"
Here it is kids, your awards season movie roundup - Bizzilions of marketing dollars and golden statue fantasies crammed down our collective throats, digested over a four week period, and reduced to this:
1) The Reader - Proof after Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind that Kate Winslet can do no wrong. Bear with the interminable hetero grope fest, my homo brethren. This Mrs. Robinson delivers a one-two emotional gut punch for anyone who's loved and lost, and the immobile scenery is to die for. What passes off a a broken down shack of a 2nd story walk up in Post-War Germany will leave the little interior decorator inside you spinning for days. Grade: AB(Achtung, Baby)
2) The Curious Case of Benjamin Button - Never have I been so disappointed for having wanted to hate a movie so badly and then winded up so thoroughly enjoying it. For weeks, I'd been telling people that I'm ticklish in my Benjamin Button, pointing out the airbrushed botox in bus stop posters throughout the city. I lamented the three hour running time and gave a knowing smile when my sage friend Ray Ray pointed out that the movie looked so much like a Forrest Gump knock off because it was made by the same people who made "run, Forrest, run" so ubiquitous in post 1994 America. But then, under the unusual circumstances of a cold LA evening I settled in for the sapfest myself. There, like a programmed drone, I cried myself silly on cue, a stringed puppet dancing for its unseen master. I wept into my popcorn, and I thanked the epic on screen fantasy for its earnest appeal to the Beacheslover in me...That, and they managed to simultaneously make Brad Pitt look as young as he did in Thelma and Louise and make me feel like a dirty old man. Grade: AC(Awww, Cynicism)
3) Defiance - Never have I been so disappointed for having wanted to love a movie so much and then winded up so thoroughly detesting it. This shit was worse than 300, and left me wondering out loud, "How the hell do you fuck up a Holocaust movie?" Daniel Craig, Jamie Bell, Liev Shreiber, and most of the cast are great, but the material they're handed is so dirivitive, so hit you over the head melodramatic, and just so utterly vapid that you'll wish you were watching a focus group tester, and not the final cut.
Stay home and Netflix Uprising. Better yet, get a copy of Escape From Sobibor, and that way you'll just hate the Nazis, not the filmmakers as well. Grade: FYHHEZ (Fuck Your Heavy Handedness Edward Zwick)
4) The Wrestler - There are people that will write volumes about just how brilliant this movie about a washed up, broken man with no time for a second chance is. Cathartic weaping will take place in aisles across American movie theatres as Mickey Rourke's long suffering agent breathes a sigh of relief that his client may yet be able to pay him back the five bucks he borrowed back in 1997.
Blonde 20-something star fuckers in sleek Armani gowns they didn't buy will twitter that they caught a glimpse of the man that became the comeback story of the decade as they claw through crowds at red carpet ceremonies for a photo opportunity that might land them in US Weekly next to the legend who became famous making movies before they were even born. I, on the other hand, have clearly been sipping from a different batch of Kool-aid. Grade: eh
5) Revolutionary Road - is fucking brilliant. Grade: see previous sentence.
6) Doubt - I wouldn't wish Catholic guilt on my worst enemy. Jesus fucking Christ on a cross, I thought Muslim guilt was bad, but this! Be forewarned, there are no action sequences in this movie...unless you count Meryl Streep using John Patrick Shanley's dialogue to pop a can of whoop ass on Philip Seymour Hoffman for an hour and a half. Like the guy sitting next to me at the screening I attended, I contemplated taking a big nap about half way through the movie. Converting quiet stage plays to quiet movies is a treacherous business likely to produce a quiet multiplex in most cases, and like many of the people who hurried to their cars as the credits rolled that night, I knew that the dirty priest had done a dirty thing and got exactly what he desreved from saintly harsh Sister Meryl. But then I started talking to other people who'd seen the movie and I was left doubtful - not enough to go sit under a barren tree in a snowy convent and weep quietly in my apron, mind you, but just enough to give the whole thing a second thought, and a second viewing. Maybe even a third. Grade: H&M (Hail Meryl)
7) MILK - At the risk of impropiety, I'll say this out loud: I want to marry Dustin Lance Black! Before he was gunned down by a homicidal dingleberry on a sugar rush who eventually offed himself anyway, Harvey Milk stood up for himself. He stood up for all of us and gave us hope that beyond the isolation of the families and churches that would seek to hide us away and pretend that we didn't exist, there was a place for us past fear and rejection. He said to gay kids everywhere who'd been told by the people closest to them that they are deviant by their very nature, that they are beautiful and perfect exactly as they are. He told us what we should have already known, but were too bullied and scared to see - that we're flawless.
575 Castro St. from FilmInFocus on Vimeo.
I'm not aware of a more fitting tribute to the man* who'd given so much to so many so many, including this Garab, by simply having the profound courage to state who he was. That MILK has, and continues to resonate with so many audiences around the world could have only been sweeter had the man himself lived to see it. Grade: The Gold Standard
8) Seven Pounds - Topping the list of movies I had zero ambition to see this year, and almost walked into Defiance a second time to avoid, comes this winner of a film that I can't say much about without spoiling. I'm well aware of the now bi-annual Will Smith pilgrimage dictated by the release of sure fire blockbusters, once in the dead of summer, and then alternately in the dead of the very lively movie going cold season. To my credit I did avoid Hancock, and by all accounts that was one of my wiser moves in 2008.
Seven Pounds is one of those flicks that will be great as a rental on a cold rainy night when you're broke and you've lost all faith in humanity's capacity for good. Viewing will likely be followed by various exclamations of "holy crap, why didn't we go see this when it came out two years ago?", or "why do you hate me so much?" Then again, you could just drive to the multiplex and check this one out now and save yourself the ensuing therapy. Grade: I'd tell ya, but then I'd have to kill ya.
9) Valkyrie - Tom Cruise. Eye patch. Taught Bryan Singer thriller with pretty boy German extras. Twists, turns. Tom Cruise. Eye patch. Grade: NABAYH (German for "Not As Bad As You've Heard")
10)Slumdog Millionaire - Suspend your disbelief at the door and make sure the lady next to you doesn't have a Blackberry that she'll be texting on for the duration of the film. Easily one of the best things released in the past year, as stunning visually as anything else. If there's one movie that you pay to see this year, go see MILK. If you're gonna see two, make it a Slumdog. Grade: RDWt(Run, Don't Walk(to))
11) The Day the Earth Stood Still - My mother always told me that if I didn't have anything nice to say, then I should shut the fuck up before she beat the ever loving crap out of me. Color me speechless. Grade: RDWaf (Run, Don't Walk(away from))
"Slumdog Millionaire" kids - go see it. Yes, the lead guy's fucking gorgeous, but the movie's so good that I even paid attention to all the other stuff that was happening.
Now, mind you, this ain't no "City of God" or "Innocent Voices". It is, however, beautifully done, and one of the best things out there right now.
I'm not going to sit here and tell you that on the evening of Wednesday, November 26th of the year 2008, I paid full price plus parking to see the latest Jason Statham action orgy, "Transporter 3". I will not take up valuable cyberspace proclaiming to the world that said action orgy was written and directed by blind flying monkeys with Downs, or that I think that the lead actress might well have been one of those blind flying monkeys herself, who'd accidentally wandered in front of the camera every time the other monkeys yelled "action".
I will not advise the general public to avoid the radioactive zone around any and all multiplexes showcasing "TP 3", though I will implore the makers of Charmin to commemorate a special edition roll for the release of this and all future Jason Statham extravaganzas.
I will not call for the public flogging of Lion's Gate executives responsible for the "Transporter" franchise, nor will I demand compulsory psychiatric screening of the focus groups that make movies like this possible.
I will not fantasize about Jason Statham's perfect rock hard 8 pack.
I will not do any of these things because doing so would mean that, god help me, I'd have to admit to myself and all of creation that I did in fact go out and see "Tansporter 3".
But if I did, I'd give this movie a rating of CETLW (Cut Em - your wrists - The Long Way).
Le Kill Point: Over-long slab of mini series mignon with a bad writing infusion, layered with succulent casting overcompensation with heavy Wire influences. Stewed pseudo-political undertones are rolled with shirtless eye candy that explode with implausible plot twists in a slow roasted trip down the career ladder with liberal dashings of wasted talent(gratis, and you'll still want your money back)
Righteous Kill: Cave aged Pacino-Deniro amuse bouche with invigorating Kill Point casting hack hash. Bold sub standard police drama with stand-by wontons and badge/gun brulee fusion. Served with "Sleepy Time" tea(Coming soon, but stay home and watch any episode of The Wire instead, or wait 7 days for the straight to video release)
Le Main Course:
Thunder Tropique: Rental - with a side of sight gag, couple of belly laughs, and a Jack Black over easy. Topped with a Risky Business surprise and Downey Jr. guffaw. Hold the douchey Matthew McConaughey garnish, sprinkle with fresh Steve Coogan bits, and drizzle with a heaping serving of self referential sauce($12.00 adult non-peak, or ass-rape for non-matinee showings)
Les Desserts:
Generation Kill: HBO house delicacy(On Demand for a limited time)
The Wire: Best show on TV, available in five delicious flavors: Season 1, Season 2, Season 3, Season 4, or minty fresh Season 5! (Netflix, or wherever decent programming can be got)
The Dark Knight: Still in season!!! (and still worth every penny)
My mother reads this, so I'm gonna try to watch my language...
Holy fuckety fuck fuck! I mean, fuuuuuuuck, it must suck to be Mamma Mia! right about now. I'd understand releasing an Abba musical starring Meryl Streep the same weekend as Wanted. Hell, I'd have even understood putting the thing, fuzzy and heartwarming as I'm sure it is, up against Hellboy II, but sweet wounded Joel Schumacher, you don't put anything you hold in even the slightest esteem out the same weekend that it'll have to compete with fucking Batman. You might as well feed your newborn baby girl into the open jaws of a starving grizzly and ask it not to bite down. Somewhere in Malibu, a studio executive is killing himself, slowly enough to fail and pitch a sequel to The Last Temptation of Christ. As for The Dark Knight, discriminating fan boy geek that I am, I've gotta say there isn't a single thing about this movie that didn't agree with me. Knight is even better than Christopher Nolan's last installment in the franchise he so deftly resurrected from the mediocre dead with Batman Begins back in '05 - he even had the good sense to get rid of Katie Holmes! Here I thought I had room for only one Gyllenhaal in my heart, then along comes Maggie, as Batman's long suffering love interest, and steals my heart away...but just my heart, Maggie. My loins still belong to your brother Jake. Christian Bale holds steady as the only Bruce Wayne ever to give Michael Keaton a run for his money in the role, Michael Caine maintains luminary status, as evidenced by everything he's done in the last few years(and I said the last few years, lest anyone invoke the Jaws III shame), and Morgan Freeman almost makes you forget the blasphemy of a not so distant Wanted past. And even though I'm admittedly not the biggest Aaron Eckhart fan in the world, I will say that he's much better than Katie Holmes, and he looks fabulous in that dress in the ballroom scene...and, he's really good as Harvey Dent. As for Heath Ledger's Joker - believe every bit of the overblown hype you've been bombarded with for the weeks leading up to the release of Dark Knight. Yes, he's that good.
GRADE: PFI2.5HLAYWWTGUFASS (Pee First it's two and a half hours long and you won't want to get up for a single second)
Art of Tea Best cup of tea you'll ever have, made by fantastic people. Available to buy and ship online.
Susina Bakery Best bakery in Los Angeles. Berry Blossom cake, banana creme pies, and hand made Italian cookies to die for. Owned and operated by one of the loveliest people I know. And she'll do your wedding too.
Buddha's Belly If you're ever in LA, this is a wonderful Asian Fusion restaurant. If you're lucky, I might even wait on ya'.
Karuna Yoga My favorite yoga studio in the city is in Los Feliz, and I'll drive 10 miles out of the way to get there. Kelly Wood has created an inviting space with some of the best teachers in LA. All levels welcome and encouraged.
Inman Perk Coffee Great little coffee house in Atlanta, GA. Beautiful space, great drinks, and free internet wireless. Tip the staff well, they're among the friendliest you'll find.
Outwrite Books Wonderful gay and lesbian bookstore/coffee shop in the heart of Midtown in Atlanta. All the eye candy you need, endless selection of fiction, magazines, music and movies. Great staff, and a bounty of naughty "coffee table books". And Piedmont Park is literally around the corner.
Alon's Bakery Best croissants in Atlanta...hell, pretty much the best everything in Atlanta, if we're talking about baked goods. The new Ashford-Dunwoody location also has home-made gelato and an in-house chocolatier. Still, though, the original Va. Highlands store is where I loke to put my feet up...until they tell me to put 'em down.
Studio DNA Best haircut in town (and by town, I mean Los Angeles).
The State of Iowa Beautiful Midwestern state that recently became the 3rd in the Nation to legalize gay marriage. Start planning a vacation there and give 'em your money!
The State of Vermont 4th in the Nation to recognize gay marriage. Plan a vacation there, give 'em your money!
The State of Massachusetts Recognizes gay marriage, and it's pretty. Plan a vacation there, give 'em your money. Shakespeare and Company is in Lenox, so swing on by while you're there.
The State of Connecticut Recognizes gay marriage, and was among the very first in the Nation to do it. Plan multiple vacations there, and give them lots of your tourism bucks.
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