The Garab Chronicles

Love and Taxes(Results For The Singles Project - April 2008)

   If anyone's thinking of starting a "Hope you're healing properly after bending over for the IRS without lube" line of greeting cards, please let me know so I can buy stock. I'm also thinking of investing in "Where In The World is Your Tax Shelter?" board games, though it just occurred to me that one must already have a tax shelter in order to have anything to invest in the first place...eggs and chickens all over again.
   For this month's Singles Project, I asked:

1) Have you ever entered into a relationship, for any length of time, for financial or material considerations?

2) Have you ever stayed in a relationship for financial or material considerations that you would have otherwise ended?

3) Have you ever used gifts or money to seduce, or hold on to a lover or mate?

   And you said the following:

Frank (Atlanta, GA)

So, sex for money:
Let's face it, sex, love, romance, whatever you want to call it, always costs us something.  If it's true love,we usually don't care about the cost.  And if you can afford it and the sex is really good, it's often worth the price.  The problem comes when cost outstrips satisfaction, and if that sounds cold-blooded blame it on seeing too many people hurt.
Two older friends (I'm assuming both were older, though I know for sure only one was) paid for sex and love they never got.  And the sad part was that neither person who fleeced them, and it was fleecing as sure as if they'd walked into the guys' houses and walked off with their wallets, was worth the price. 
One friend became enamored of a straight co-worker who might have had a nice body once, but was dissipated by too much drink and too many street hookers by the time my friend fell.  When the love-object lost his job, my friend loaned him money, took him into his condo and devoted way too much time to a relationship that only brought him frustration, insults and, ultimately a broken heart.
The other friend became enamored of a gay young actor in town who was neither very good nor very good-looking.  He took him along on his annual pilgrimage to England.  Both knew what he was hoping for, but they never discussed it, and it never would have happened anyway.  The actor quipped to friends that he knew what my friend wanted, but he wasn't going to come across because, "I'm not a whore."  In truth, he simply wasn't an honest whore.
Saltpetre, anyone?

L Girl (Los Angeles, CA)

1) I've never entered INTO a relationship for financial reasons, but I have in the past decided to coinhabit with the person I'm dating based on financial circumstances("I mean I stay over 5 nights out of the week anyway, so we might as well split the cable bill.." ..Each time ending, let's just say, not so well. Would I do it again based solely on financial/material reasons? Well, let's just say only if I got to live there for free, the house was GINORMOUS, and the sex was REALLY fantastic. And if he'd cook every meal for me.
2) Who wants to admit this?? Alas, I have no shame, apparently. I was once in a three month mock-romance with a boy we'll just call "WB  Boy". WB Boy was handsome, charming, and often had $60,000 checks mixed up with his junk mail on the dining room table. The perfect romance... aside from the fact the I knew all too well I probably had the nickname amongst his friends as either his "Trophy" or "Rebound  #4". I knew that there was something very inauthentic about our  "love", but I decided to overlook it for three months based on countless nights of wonderful Italian dinners and rare wines. But 10 pounds and almost two jeans sizes later, I decided that no amount of smooth talk over candlelight or roses could repair my heart, or my new stretch marks. Bye, bye, bye, WB. I'm moving onto CW.
3) Well, if I HAD the money to shower my lover with gifts and such...  why would I need to use such things to maintain a relationship when I'm simply THAT good in bed???
...Just kidding. (sort of). (why don't you ask him). (if he says anything different, tell me. I'll chop it off). :D
-"L"

Adam (Los Angeles, CA)

Yes to all 3 questions.

JJ (Los Angeles, CA)

1) Never.  I could never date for money – they end up owning you.  My dad used to offer money and a car at 16 (not for sex you sickos), but if you accepted such gifts, you had to run errands for him or “decide to move wherever he wanted you to live” because he gave you a large gift.  No thanks, I like being independent.
2) Nope, if I don’t like you, there’s no money that will allow me to stay with you.
3) I tend to be nice and do things for others naturally.  If it’s not working out, I may try to be a little nicer, but if it’s not working, what’s the point of spending money on someone who doesn’t give a damn???  That’s worse than buying a lottery ticket.

Shan-a girl (Los Angeles, CA)

1.  Right before I met my hubby-to-the-max Ko, I had decided very earnestly to date someone who worked either at Whole Foods or Sevananda (an Atlanta health food store).  Why?  Partly because both establishments employ super cute, suitably dreadlocked lotharios of the "I use essential oils" ilk, but more importantly because I am hungry, a lot, and I like my products to be steroid and ddt free.  So you see my logic.  One bird.  Two stones.
Of course just weeks after making this inspired decision, I met Ko and his non-profit workin' no discount getting butt ruined all my plans. Now I have to pay for groceries like any other chump.
2.  No, but I did once decide NOT to date a guy who was really into me because I felt quite certain that despite all the out-of-tune, three-chord, distortion-happy music i listened to, he was way, way, seriously too punk rock for me.  He squatted in a condemned building in downtown Portland, spent the weekend's at his mom's to shower, etc., had an ex-wife who was 40 years old (he was 26), oh, and a kid.  He was so nice.  So sincere and non-judgemental.  But alas I let his safety-pinned jeans pass me by while I pined after someone way less cool but who had an address and a telephone.  I suck.   
3.  No, but I have used my own financial independence and oh so righteous work ethic to push guys away when they tried to buy me things or take care of me in any way that I considered financial.  So basically I insisted on buying a lot of my own meals and jewelry.  Okay, okay. I had probbbbblems. I get it.  Chip on the shoulder and all that.  I have since learned to say thank you and not go into an anti-consumerism, materialism rant... most of the time.  Thank you.

Christopher (Los Angeles, CA)

1) The offer has never been made, although there was one time when an extremely unattractive older guy wanted me to sleep with him for the lead in the low budget play he was producing. No kidding. It was hard for me to believe that sort of thing actually happened, much less that this guy (who was creepy creepy creepy) could imagine that I would ever agree to be with him in order to be cast in some black box production way up in the Bronx! At the time, I was barely more than a teenager, and was pretty enough to be mistaken for a girl, which happened more often than I care to admit. So, no. I did not get the part.
If however, I were to meet some nice fellow who had the means to help me get out of debt, and if he were a great match on all other levels, then I would have no objection to having him pay my rent, or pick up the tab, or lend a hand with the unexpected expenses a starving artist has to face. I'm not talking luxury. I really do know how to stretch a dollar, and live like a church mouse most of the time, so it would not be like I was jet setting around burning cash mindlessly. It would just be nice to know that next month's bills were already covered, for a change.
2) No, this has never come up either, but judging from the unhappy jobs I was not able to stand a moment longer, no matter what the paycheck, it seems unlikely that I would stay in a relationship solely for the money.
3) It should be obvious from the way I have described my pathetic financial standing, that this scenario has not arisen. If I truly loved someone, I'd like to think I would do whatever I could for them. Using that same whatever to hold onto them if they did not love me back, would be very sad. I would hope that, if it should ever happen, I would have the maturity to let the other person go.
There you have it. Broke. Without pride. Still single.

****Thanks to everyone who submitted this time around. Your authentic/trademarked Garab Chronicles greeting cards are in the mail. 3 more questions coming at the end of the month****

Love And Taxes(The Singles Project - April 2008)

   It's the most wonderful time of the year! You bring the 1099's, I'll bring the lube, we'll add it all up and together we'll cry over the magic that was fiscal 2007.
   A few years ago, I was banging this dude - though maybe he was banging me, it's all a blur. Anyway, there I was, naked in this stranger's fabulous just east of WEHO apartment enjoying a moment of post-coital bliss...you know, after the shower. The stranger asked if I'd like to stay the night, and since he was cute and nice and the sex was good enough to look forward to a repeat first thing in the morning, I did - and then, we did.
   Too early the next day, I set off for my job at some soul devouring den of chaos where I served brunch to the hipster masses under the watchful eye of a slave driving ogre who quickly snuffed out my hard won after glow. And back into darkness I fell.
   Twelve, or thirteen, or fourteen hours later I sputtered home to my Hollywood studio apartment. As I leaned into my car to retrieve my man-purse some 12 blocks from my no-parking residence, a passing gentleman commented in his best prison wife-making voice that I had a nice ass. I reminded myself that rape was not on my list of sexual fantasies and jumped fast enough to hit my head against the roof of my beaten down car.
   A few moments later, a very nice homeless man started masturbating on the corner as he saw me approaching, right before he begged me to "talk" to him in his drunken stupor. I crossed the street to my securely gated building and made a quick mental note that when apartment hunting in the future, "Los Feliz adjacent" was short hand for "Da-Ghetto". The charming police helicopter overhead welcomed me home as it always did with its wandering spotlight, giving off an illusion of safety that was shattered in the "man with gun" incident that took place soon thereafter.
   I dialed up my internet connection and logged onto my email account, where a long letter from the previous night's stranger awaited. In it, the stranger said that he really enjoyed our recent debauchery, and requested a repeat. He then proceeded to offer his services as my daddy. Sure, he was more poetic about the whole thing. He reminded me that the sex was great(and it was, the one and half times), and that he had considerable financial resources, especially compared to myself(mistake #1: conversations about work before sex with strangers), and that he could "network me around" to his entertainment industry friends. "Great!" I thought, " I get to show up at all sorts of social functions as the flavor of the month. Maybe I could even climb the daddy ladder by landing successively more successful guys at those functions, with whom I could have earth shattering sex one a half times, and go on to become some demented walking Baskin Robbins franchise."
   I declined the stranger's generous offer and happily went back to work for the slave driver, patting myself on the back and telling myself that I wasn't anybody's bitch...except for the slave driver, my landlord, Visa, American Express, my shady mechanic, my wonderful dermatologist, any casting agent who'd read me for the most offensively racist television scripts imaginable, and The City Of Los Angeles Parking Violations Bureau.
   A couple of months ago, some quasi-married guy in a quasi-open relationship who happens to own some marketing company made a similar offer to that of the stranger. Sadly, my first thought was "Shit, I've still got it!" And then I told him no.
   But then I started thinking about the whole marriage for money thing, and it occurred to me that alot of couples(especially those without children or joint therapy) save an ass load of money every year by virtue of a shared roof with someone who isn't a roommate. Not only rent, but joint tax returns, joint health care, joint utilities, groceries, vacations, the whole shebang.
   In the spirit of this crass summation of romance, here are this month's 3 questions:

1) Have you ever entered into a relationship, for any length of time, for financial or material considerations?
2) Have you ever stayed in a relationship for financial or material considerations that you would have otherwise ended?
3) Have you ever used gifts or money to seduce, or hold on to a lover or mate?

***In the spirit of the season, this month you have til the 15th to file your answers. Use the Email Me link on this page to send in your answers, or just leave them in the comments section for this post. To see last month's Singles Project results, go HERE.

   

Three Ways and Knitting Circles(Results for The Singles Project-March 2008)

Apparently, nobody knits anymore...

This month's questions:
1) Have you ever participated in actual(not in your head) group(more than one other person) sex?
2) If you answered yes:
    a) How was it?
    b) In at least one instance, were you more attracted to one of the other two people than the other?
3) If you answered no:
    a)Why not?
    b) Given the opportunity, would you do it?

Me (Los Angeles):

1) It began with an almost 4 way. I met this really cute hipster while I was out dancing at a local hipster dive(Picture a retro circuit party without the muscles where Depeche Mode is the headliner). I started flirting with the hipster, then turned my attention to a couple of drunken idiots making out and faux fucking on the dance floor - the hipster informed me that one of the drunken idiots was his boyfriend of 3 years, and the other was his best friend. So, I went home with the three of them, where things got very weird very quickly. I left when the happy couple got in bed and asked me to show them my cock(direct quote), at which point it became clear that the 4 way was a ruse to set me up with the drunk best friend.
   Thwarted and blue balled, I made out with the drunk idiot best friend who happened to be a really good kisser on the front porch, then asked him to take me to my car...on the other side of town.
   I struck gold a couple of years later with a really nice, non-hipster couple, where I mistook the dog leashes on the ottoman in the living room for leather restraints, and somebody ended up with ejaculate in their eye.
2a) I prefer the porn version.
2b) Group sex is a really great way to get naked with someone who's otherwise unavailable, or that you can't work up the nerve to approach solo.

J. (Los Angeles):

I've never participated in group play. Funny thing is, I'm actually pretty good in groups outside of the bedroom, but the opportunity for a three-or-more-some has never come up that I've noticed, unless my invitations have been lost in the mail.  I've contemplated it, but rarely have the balls to come out and ask one person, let alone multiple people if they've got a few hours and some body fluid to spare. Obviously, I've no moral or ethical issues with the idea itself, but I probably wouldn't participate while in a relationship (which accounts for why I didn't do it while I was in the prime of my late teens and early twenties...). Personally, I'd rather it be with fellow singles than with a couple or with a boyfriend and anyone else.  I figure, the less we all know about each other, the less the chance of hurt feelings and awkwardness and the better the chance for spontaneity, I'd imagine.  But I would totally take up the offer if it seemed right. After putting it all down in black and white, I wonder if I'm talking myself out of it by setting up odd boundaries, so now I'm kind of determined to find a way to make it work...

Lynda (New York): In order to protect her identity, Lynda has asked that her answer be in silhouette only and with a creepy robot voice.

1)YES I did that!  Can you believe it!
2) If you answered yes:
    a) How was it?
Excellent.  ALthough the entire time I just kept thinking "is this an orgy?  Why are they making more noise over there, is it because he's better at this?  Should I be with him?  Her boobs are big.  Is that a pizza over there?  Oh - whose hand is that?  I wish I had a beer. Someone farted.  Am I missing LOST right now?  Oh great, now I'm going to have rugburn.  Seriously, who is making that noise.  That is not a real noise.  What was my bowling score?  I love cookies.  I wonder if there are any cookies." 

    b) In at least one instance, were you more attracted to one of the other two people than the other?

Well, there were 6 people, and the answer is yes, I was more attracting to one of the ones that I was to the other one.

Frank (Atlanta):

You poor, pathetic, sick, twisted pile of putrefying former cuteness!

The only time I participated in group sex was because I picked up someone who insisted on doing something I didn't want to do.  So we picked up a third, and I wound up finishing the act in another room, where I didn't really finish anything.  Fortunately, I never ran into the initiator again, though I didn't drive at the time, so running into him wouldn't have been as satisfying as it might have been.  I few weeks after I ran into the third.  We were both so embarrassed we couldn't even make eye contact.

Weave that sorry tale into your monthly report.

Didier (Los Angeles):

1)YES
2a)TRY IT. BE SAFE. I DIDN'T ENJOY IT, I WAS THROWN INTO IT, OR RATHER IT WAS THROWN INTO ME.
2b)YES BECAUSE SEX IS ALWAYS MORE THAN SEX.
3) If you answered no: I WISH I HAD ANSWERED NO! SO I COULD ANSWER THE LAST 2 QUESTIONS. GROUPS ARE TOO RESTRICTIVE ...

Christopher (Los Angeles):

My first roommate stumbled in the door once at four in the morning, with his boyfriend from Canada, his best girlfriend from High School, and some guy who was hanging all over her. All of them were drunk. All of them were loud, All of them piled onto the bed and began to have clumsy drunken sex. The roommate popped his head over the dresser which separated our beds and said "Could you shut the light?" At which point, I shut both light and door on my way out.

No, I have never been with more than one person at a time. Not due to any deeply felt principle. The situation just has not presented itself to me, nor have I ever sought it out. It's not something I fantasize about. There are alot of ifs involved. If I should ever find myself in that situation, and if the people involved were sober (drunk is a big turn off,) and if they were attractive, and if they were unmarried, and if they were willing to play safe...

It's hard enough to find one person who fits the bill, so I am not holding my breath.


*3 more questions coming at the end of March, just in time to say goodbye to carb season. The flowers will be in full bloom, gym bunnies will cultivate their tan lines outdoors, and that sexy case of hay fever will make him dump you for a younger model with bigger pecs and a pack of Claritin.

The Singles Project(March 2008)

   Spring has sprung, and I'm celebrating with a three way. Well, at least that was the plan until the two other participants in my knitting circle decided to bail - dental work my ass!  After all, what's  a little case of bleeding gums among friends?
   February, also known as 28 Days Of Heartbreak Except on Leap Years, was as frustrating for this little Garab as is was emotionally traumatizing. Not only am I shorted two days to come up with the rent, but  the three boys I decided to give up slut-hood to date never called me after I graciously offered them my phone number. And to top it all off, I finally finished watching the last season of my beloved, not for the faint hearted, Six Feet Under, after which I don't think I left the house for a good couple of days. I don't think the tear stains will ever wash out of my pillows...I think those are tear stains.
    Valentine's day offered no surprises; I spent it waiting on anxious, self conscious, self loathing couples suffering through powder keg "romantic" dates set to explode before I could finish describing the night's specials...So I made sure to offer the fondue.
   Needless to say, I've relapsed. I'm done chasing boys and trying to convince them that I'm the greatest thing that will ever happen to them in their entire lives(actual quote from the "about me" section on the clothes-on dating website I joined last month). Who needs inspired conversation by candle light, anyway? It takes up too much time I could be using to catch up on my beauty sleep, and eye cream is very, very expensive.
   I will happily grunt and thrust my way into the hearts of men I'll never see again, since it's become glaringly obvious that in this brave new millennium, that's what passes for a first date.  Come, all ye love starved masses and form a single file line. I promise to get to each of you in turn, though it might be faster if you line up two by two. Or three, or four.
   This month's Singles Project was originally going to be all about phone numbers; when you give them, who you give them to, when or if you respond. But then I started asking people and discovered that nobody had any earthly clue what they wanted. Even people who claimed there were certain rules of engagement to the whole affair couldn't pinpoint where said rules came from, or if they ever actaully worked.
   With that in mind, here are this month's three questions:

1) Have you ever participated in actual(not in your head) group(more than one other person) sex?
2) If you answered yes:
    a) How was it?
    b) In at least one instance, were you more attracted to one of the other two people than the other?
3) If you answered no:
    a)Why not?
    b) Given the opportunity, would you do it?

  ***This month's answers are due by the 5th (Happy Leap Year), and can be submitted via the "Email Me" link on this page. You can also leave your answers in the comments section to this post. Everything is then edited together and published on this site: See last month's results for an example.

The Singles Project(Results For January, 2008)

   Thanks to everyone who participated in this month's The Singles Project. If you're new here, the Singles Project is a monthly feature on the Garab Chronicles. At the end of each month, I ask three questions about the single life. You ponder, you answer(by the 3rd of the month), then I post the contents of your freshly spilled guts for all the world to see. Fun, right?
   So, without further ado, here are everyone's answers to this month's three questions, starting with my own:
1)When was the last time you were in a relationship that you feel helped you grow as a human being?
a)This one was a toss up for me, but it was definitely one of these two:
                                                               

--or--                                  

2)How long did it last?

 

3)How was the sex?

(balsamic is exotic)

J. (Los Angeles):

1) It ended about two years ago.  Though not a lovey dovey thing, it drew the obvious line between my "kid" relationships and "adult" ones.
2)About two and a half months.  But we remained friends and I wouldn't turn down the chance to try it again if it felt right.
3) Good, not great, but see above about not turning down the opportunity to try it again. I'm sure we're both better, even though I was already great.

Frank (Atlanta- in essay form):

My longest relationships were three dates.  In one, the three dates covered three weeks.  The third time we got together, he was drunk when he showed up, then started talking about three-ways.  In the other, we just bumped into each other casually three times over the course of a few years and hooked up for sex after each encounter.

The only relationships I feel I've grown from were either personal or, more often, artistic.  They didn't involve sex except in the spiritual, aesthetic sense that a good artistic partnership is like really great sex.  And as with sex, it's the few really great experiences that keep us putting up with all the rotten ones.

I think it's important to learn to enjoy spending time with yourself. Then you can look and dream, which I do a lot, but you'll still have the courage to try to keep a bad thing going.

Cathryn (Los Angeles):

1) don't they all?!? my last one, it was so frustrating.. but i learned heaps about myself.
2) too long... sigh... 2 years, off and on
3) the first few weeks, it was incredible- when we were connected. then it fizzled into a lack of connectedness oddness. kind of like a one night stand...

Christopher (Los Angeles):

1) Sounds a bit Shirley Maclainey, but all relationships can help us grow, if we are willing to do the work. I really do believe we have some sort of radar that pulls us toward people whose issues will trigger our own. We push each other's buttons, and if we are paying attention, we can both grow. Either closer or together or apart.

It's only been two months since my last, and most difficult one. We met online, and moved at lesbian speed. Three days to boyfriends. Five to love. A week to when can we move in and start our life together?

I was the one saying, woa, slow down. We fell into attraction because of the way we wrote. Our minds. Then came long phone calls. Our voices. During the first call, he asked me that same question about romantic history. I told the truth. In fact, I was truthful every step of the way. I was honest enough to admit that the whole thing might evaporate once we met in person (opposite coasts,) so I may as well enjoy even the promise of love.

We did meet, finally, and love seemed real. For the first few weeks, anyway. I was sensible and cautious at the beginning, approaching the relationship from every angle honestly and practically, giving him every chance to back out and walk away respectably. Soon enough, I gave in and just plain believed it all.

Almost as soon, it was over. Seems he was living through an alter ego he created for himself online. It was all delusion, including his feelings for me. Some sort of test. Maybe this time he could make it work. He'd never had a boyfriend, and so badly wanted to believe the fantasy he was creating at his computer terminal, that he pretended to love me even while we were in bed together. Pretended up until he could no longer stand it and began to hate me.

It took a long time to figure out what was happening, as he was not able to communicate any of this in words, written or spoken. I was left crumpled on the floor listening to Bette Midler wailing Stay With Me over and over. Until that was replaced with Cher taking back her heart.

Lessons learned.

2) Three months together. Half as long in the breakup, which was messy and complicated and drawn out. It wasn't until I tore open my ring finger on a rusty nail and had to get stitches before I realized the only sensible thing to do was let go.

3) Big part of the problem. Neither one of us had much experience (not all gay men are promiscuous,) but I was full of creative ideas and wanted to try them all. He had some kind of phobia about being touched, which made things difficult. Our last effort ended with him curled up in a ball sobbing for me to stop. Kinda killed the romance, that.

The funny thing is, even with sex as an obstacle, I was still in love and willing to do whatever it took for us to be together. Problems in the bedroom can be solved. That's the easy part, it's the finding love that's hard. I figured as long as we were in love, we could work out the rest, in time.

Charlotte (Los Angeles-ish):

1.) they all do
2.) apx. 2 weeks
3.) absolutely awful: he had issues w/alcohol and bad technique; I felt really sorry for myself since I'm a rockstar in the sack.

*3 more questions coming at the the end of February, fresh off the most evil holiday ever created: Valentine's Day.

And You Thought Sliced Bread Was Nifty

   Exciting news! Taking my cue as always from the highly regarded Miss America Pageant, The Garab Chronicles is going interactive...for at least one whole day.
   Recently I decided to swim into the deeper end of the dating pool, and I plan to use all of you, my devoted readers, as a flotation device. The other day, I had my first ever online chat with this really cute, really charming guy that I'm really hoping to actually meet in person for an actual clothes-on type date. Over the course of said chat, during which I was grinning like an idiot and giddy as a little school girl, cute and charming asked me what my longest lasting relationship was. The grin dissolved, and Giddy went running at the sight of Damaged Goods, dusting himself off as he rounded the block for the umpteenth time. And Damaged Goods hung out there, on my chest, for the next day and a half, until I stabbed him in the heart and slung him off - the hour with my therapist helped too.
   At one point during our session, while I was curled up on his couch under a blanket, my therapist asked me why I wanted to be in a relationship. Silence. I don't think I've ever been quiet for that long in the two years I've been going to that office.
   I'd just never really thought about it before. "Why do I want to be in a relationship?" I'd spent my 20's pining for the unavailable, getting dumped by narcissists, and having my heart set on fire by Super Ex. Nothing I've tried so far, despite the valiant attempts ending in sleepless nights and the endless boxes of tissue, has worked. But I never stopped long enough to ask myself why I wanted another boy to like me so much in the first place.
   Which then made me wonder if anyone else has either. Why do any of us seek out and then put ourselves through the potential hell that is anything deeper or more memorable than a one night...or to be completely realistic, twenty minute stand? Why do so many thousands of us singles spend so much time clicking through the profiles of countless other lonely people in the hope that maybe we can find the one that will come along and make the world a little less scary? I've thought about it a bit myself, and I've come up with enough that I still want to meet Mr. cute and charming.
   But I want to hear what the rest of you think. So it's with much flair and a bold stroke of originality that I've decided to launch The Singles Project. Swish!
   At the end of each month, I'm asking people to answer a different set of three questions. This month:

1)When was the last time you were in a relationship that you feel helped you grow as a human being?
2)How long did it last?
3)How was/is the sex?
   
   Submissions are due by the 3rd of each month(just like your rent). You can email your responses(use the "Email Me" link at the top of this page), or drop off your answers in the comments section. You can answer however you like. Paint it, tape it, take a picture of it - whatever you want to do, as long as it's honest and fully clothed- And Jehova help you if you spam!
   I'll collect the answers and edit everything into a public post on this page. In other words, if you don't want the world to see it, don't send it in.
   That's all, kids. Now get to work, and make Papa proud.